32 pages of rainforest, put into bloody good use

Step 1) Heat the fruit with an equal weight of sugar in a saucepan for ages, until jam-like.

Step 2) Pour into a jam jar.

PAGE 3 - LOOKING A BIT WOOF

When you think of page 3 in newspapers, you automatically associate it with topless models. Carli, 21, from Romford will usually give her opinion on a light hearted subject she is absolutely qualified to discuss, such as which taxation methods the Greeks should use to avoid further economic ruin. Then she follows it up with a quote from Dante's Inferno or similar.

Even if you're not reading the faux-feminist fodder of The Sun or The Star (liberating women's bodies for the eyes of sex-hungry men with single braincells? One of Germaine Greer's less celebrated theories), 'family friendly' tabloids such as The Mirror or The Daily Fail usually possess a shot of a famous lady clothed, but only barely so, and sometimes doing silly things while on holiday. For example; Rihanna in a bikini, using the space where Chris Brown's brain should be as a hash pipe/bong. That sort of thing.

Imagine my surprise when Mr SHOTP brought home a copy of The Metro; so how have they dealt with the page 3 issue?:

It's only a freaking dog balancing shit on its head!!

Look, he can do a can of Pringles! A whole plate!! A frigging glass of water!!! TWO BLOODY ORANGES!!

I hear you sceptics mumbling: "As if people are impressed with this shit nowadays... next thing we'll know, a bloody dog will end up winning Britain's Got Talent! Ridic... OH. FUCK."

The end of a Jolie nice era

Picture the scene: you're a local newspaper reporter and it's been a slow news day. Your editor is on your back to come up with something to fill that space on page 14 but there's just nothing at all, it is Teesside afterall. You're started to get rather stressed.

Hold on! Man rang in to say he has Angelina Jolie in his bedroom?! Right, scrap the 'Cat saved from tree' story on the front page, this HAS got to go in!

Oh. Shit.

A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her. 

Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together. The 35-year-old bought the cut-out from a memorabilia shop in Redcar at the height of the hit film’s success and Angelina, aka Lara, was an instant hit with his mates. 

But after meeting his new wife Julie, 43, a couple of years later, and moving into her Billingham home, it was not long before it became clear that Angelina had out-stayed her welcome. 

Michael said: “We have had Angelina in the bedroom at some stages and Julie said it was creeping her out. Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.” 

Julie, a mum of seven children between the ages of 25 and 14, relegated Angelina to the loft for the last two years. “I’m not jealous,” she said, but added: “To be honest it’s something that you don’t want looking at you.” 

But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina. 

Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” 


Have you tried flogging it to Brad Pitt, mate? I hear he would LOVE to have a mute Angelina Jolie in his house that doesn't nag him to buy more children.

The 'DO I GIVE A SHIT' award goes to...

We live in an age of people who assume others give a shit about what they say. You need not wander far to find someone who has decided to announce to the world (via Facebook or Twitter) how they've drank some tea or just bought some socks.

But what if airing every single inane thought you have on social media just isn't enough? You've pondered why your big toe is slightly crooked with your Facebook friends, tweeted your underwear colour to your Twitter followers, and posted a sepia photo of you taking a dump on Instagram.

Next step - THE NATION.

THE BASTARD WON £50 FOR WRITING THAT!

Maybe I need to rethink my career; that bloke made more than some minimum wage workers earn in a day, just by making a pointless comment about something on telly.

Here's a draft of a letter I'm considering sending to The Sun:

"Have you noticed how Emily from Eastenders (*made up name; I don't watch it) always wears her parting to the left hand side but then on Friday's episode, she had a centre parting? The producers really should make her sort that out because her hair inconsistency makes me think she must be a massive prostitute who sells her body to tramps for a tenner!" 

IT'S SNOW GOOD

For a country that snows every winter, we don't half go on about. I usually find out it's snowing via my Facebook feed, despite having at least two windows in my house. Why bother lifting your head to peer out the window when there's a mobile phone in your hand?

Then the TV news bulletins come. Newsflash: 'SNOW!!! PANIC!!!' accompanied by a roving reporter stood at a gritting depot. The next day, the newspapers start printing photos of various places covered in snow, just in case you've still yet to notice it's snowing.

If you think the usual media coverage of the white stuff is tedious, lets see what spin Yahoo News have decided to put on it:


Stars tell of battle with snow 

Celebrities including singer Toyah Willcox and hip hop duo Rizzle Kicks posted a series of tweets detailing their battle through snow-covered roads. 

Toyah revealed on Twitter how she was marooned on roads in Sussex for 14 hours, and finally got off the M23 at 6.30am. Toyah and Brighton-based musicians Rizzle Kicks were among hundreds of people stuck in traffic as heavy snowfall descended on the South East. 

Toyah, 54, tweeted: "Literally 15 miles from Brighton. SNOW SNOW SNOW." Two hours later, she added: "Still stuck in snow and traffic at hayward's heath. Trying to make brighton for act 2. Been in car 4 & half hours :-(." 

Her misery continued as she later tweeted: "Huge apology 2 brighton and cast. I'm 11 miles away still. A23 south is a car park. Its been 5 hours now. Mortified! :-(." Another two hours later, and with little movement, she wrote: "Still on A23, not moved yet northbound is moving freely. 6 hours! Come on snow isn't that bad :-o" 

At around 10am this morning, a clearly exhausted Toyah tweeted: "Got off M23 at 6.30am. 14 hours in all! Talk about being mighty miffed!!!!!! Xxx." 

For Rizzle Kicks, consisting of Jordan Stephens and Harley Alexander-Sule, the weather also played havoc with their plans last night. They tweeted: "Complete gridlock on the motorway. This is going to be a fun evening." Later, they added: "It has been an extremely long night. But we're almost home." 

They summed up their feelings in a follow-up, saying: "Snow is a d***head." 


ZZZZZ...

ZZZZZZZ...

ZZZZZZZZZZ...

Oops sorry. Hearing about Toyah Wilcox tweeting in realtime about her experience was soooo enthralling, I actually passed out in excitement and started shouting: "TELL ME MORE, TOYAH!" whilst still comatose.

Yes, Rizzle Kicks, snow is indeed a 'dickhead'. One person who'll be screaming "I hear ya, bro!" is Oxfordshire Council's leader, who was so pissed off by the unexpected arrival of snow that he actually threatened to sue the Met Office.

Coming next week: COUNCIL TO SUE CLOUDS FOR OBSTRUCTING SUN, and COUNCIL CRITICISES RIVERS FOR ALLOWING PRECIPITATION.

I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE WHEN YOU GROPED ME

I feel Coleen didn't really address this problem efficiently, therefore I've formulated my own reply:


Dear mother of pervert child,

I am sorry to hear of your son's boob grabbing habit, though I don't think this is something he will simply grow out of.

I feel as he gets older, these gropey tendancies will become a celebrated part of his personality as it seems obvious to me that he is hero-worshipping Harry Styles. He will be the envy of his friends as he parades his cougar girlfriends (who are probably older than you) around.

You need to look at the bright side: it seems unlikely your son will become a paedophile, which must be a massive relief for you! For every Caroline Flack he brings home in the future, he may even bring back a Taylor Swift, which is no mean feat since he'll be punching well above his weight.

So embrace it - in fact, you have the insider knowledge about what older ladies like to mould your son into the ultimate cougar dater.

Good luck!