PAGE 3 - LOOKING A BIT WOOF

When you think of page 3 in newspapers, you automatically associate it with topless models. Carli, 21, from Romford will usually give her opinion on a light hearted subject she is absolutely qualified to discuss, such as which taxation methods the Greeks should use to avoid further economic ruin. Then she follows it up with a quote from Dante's Inferno or similar.

Even if you're not reading the faux-feminist fodder of The Sun or The Star (liberating women's bodies for the eyes of sex-hungry men with single braincells? One of Germaine Greer's less celebrated theories), 'family friendly' tabloids such as The Mirror or The Daily Fail usually possess a shot of a famous lady clothed, but only barely so, and sometimes doing silly things while on holiday. For example; Rihanna in a bikini, using the space where Chris Brown's brain should be as a hash pipe/bong. That sort of thing.

Imagine my surprise when Mr SHOTP brought home a copy of The Metro; so how have they dealt with the page 3 issue?:

It's only a freaking dog balancing shit on its head!!

Look, he can do a can of Pringles! A whole plate!! A frigging glass of water!!! TWO BLOODY ORANGES!!

I hear you sceptics mumbling: "As if people are impressed with this shit nowadays... next thing we'll know, a bloody dog will end up winning Britain's Got Talent! Ridic... OH. FUCK."

The end of a Jolie nice era

Picture the scene: you're a local newspaper reporter and it's been a slow news day. Your editor is on your back to come up with something to fill that space on page 14 but there's just nothing at all, it is Teesside afterall. You're started to get rather stressed.

Hold on! Man rang in to say he has Angelina Jolie in his bedroom?! Right, scrap the 'Cat saved from tree' story on the front page, this HAS got to go in!

Oh. Shit.

A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her. 

Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together. The 35-year-old bought the cut-out from a memorabilia shop in Redcar at the height of the hit film’s success and Angelina, aka Lara, was an instant hit with his mates. 

But after meeting his new wife Julie, 43, a couple of years later, and moving into her Billingham home, it was not long before it became clear that Angelina had out-stayed her welcome. 

Michael said: “We have had Angelina in the bedroom at some stages and Julie said it was creeping her out. Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.” 

Julie, a mum of seven children between the ages of 25 and 14, relegated Angelina to the loft for the last two years. “I’m not jealous,” she said, but added: “To be honest it’s something that you don’t want looking at you.” 

But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina. 

Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” 


Have you tried flogging it to Brad Pitt, mate? I hear he would LOVE to have a mute Angelina Jolie in his house that doesn't nag him to buy more children.