READ ON FOR THE BEST DIET EVER!

Dear The Sun On Sunday,

I've piled on a few pounds over the past year and I'm wondering if you have any tips on how to lose this weight quickly and effectively so I can be back to my svelte self in no time? 

Yours bloatedly,

Mrs SHOTP

The Sun On Sunday: 

*vomits violently and loses six pounds instantly*

From The Metro:

"An elderly couple who were billed £200 for pay-per-view porn films they claim were never ordered insist they are ‘not paying a penny’.

Ann Hayward, 72, and her husband Ron, 75, were left stunned after staff at Virgin Media told them dozens of blue movies had been ordered on their account.

The couple from Reddish, Stockport, have previously disputed bills for adult films in 2009 and 2012 when they refused to pay bills for £190 and £500, the Manchester Evening News reports.

Mrs Hayward maintains neither she nor her husband ordered the films after re-activating Virgin’s ‘on demand service’.

‘I was told everything would be alright and not to worry. We got a message coming up on the TV saying “channels unavailable”,’ she explained.

‘It worried me so I called up and the next day I was told I’d ordered more than £200 of films. I was in shock.

‘I couldn’t believe it was happening again. No-one else comes in here. There’s obviously something wrong with the technology.’

She added: ‘I told them they can take me to court. I’m not paying a penny.’

A Virgin Media spokeswoman said: ‘These films were unquestionably watched by someone in the Haywards’ home.

‘We are happy to arrange a payment plan but have said they may want to find an alternative provider going forward.’"



Possible explanations:

1) That husband who hasn't uttered a word... secretly a dirty little perv.

2) Actually, that is the only explanation.

MISSING: News in the Louth area!

Today, I'd like to extend my fullest sympathies to this woman in Louth. I can't imagine what pain you must be going through and wish you best luck as you try move forward from this incident.

Sky News in sensationalist article shocker!

Sky News - Are you telling me I've just paid thousands and thousands of pounds for a flight simulator and you're not meant to use it to simulate flying?! #gutted

Oh well, at least I've got a nice sock storage cupboard now.

The food of the devil

Having volunteered at a substance abuse charity before (and having lived in Teesside for all my life), I am well aware of the savage effects of drug and alcohol addiction on people. Often, it's a curiosity that turns into a habit, before snowballing out of control. 

So you can imagine my concern when I saw this article on the 'sidebar of shame' on the Daily Fail website:

NOOO DON'T DO IT HARRY!

Asparagus!! It's evil, man! The devil's food! You'll get sucked in and never come out the other side, Harry! 

No-one should ever feel so desperate that they should resort to asparagus, of all things. The amount of times I've seen someone drowning in a sea of despair whilst gripped on asparagus addiction... I cannot tell you. And all because they feel self-conscious and lack the confidence to accept their thinning manes. The more hair they lose in the shower, the more they cry whilst diving into the asparagus section in Asda... It's a vicious circle.

Since everyone seems to be into these open letter things nowadays, I have a short one for Harry:

Dear Your Royal Highness (or may I call you Hazza?), 

I know you may feel frustrated right now, it must be hard to accept that the red hair that made you the most endearing young Royal may be no more, but please do not resort to asparagus. You may want to take matters into your own hands but you don't have to go this far!

We all adore you as you are - we loved that you got little Harry out during a wild drinking game, we loved that you openly tried to pull the bridesmaid at your brother's wedding in front of a worldwide audience, we love that you dressed up as a Nazi for a somewhat misjudged fancy dress party.

All in all, despite the mistakes, you seem like good fun and a great night out pal! So don't stoop as low as asparagus - it'll only sap any likeable quality out of you, and we can't have you hanging about in a grotty asparagus den with the likes of Pete Doherty (it's what got him into crack, y'know). 

Plus, you're probably better off sticking to weed.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs SHOTP x

The bi-annual flood blame game

It's the question on everybody's lips, if it isn't the fault of homosexuals, then who is to blame for the floods??

Is it God?
No, because the guy probably doesn't exist. Even if he did, he's probably got better things to think about. Like completing Angry Birds.

How about Eric Pickles?
He wasn't exactly known for being into rain dances, or indeed any dancing at all, so no.

What about immigrants/foreigners?
No, the Daily Mail fucking wish they did though. Otherwise their sorry paper wouldn't exist.

Are you sure it isn't the gays?
I obviously must've missed the bit where Stephen Fry, Graham Norton, Alan Carr, Louis Spence, and Clare Balding all joined forces to create an unfavourable weather front.

After much pondering, I think I have the answer. I know what is to blame for flooding.

RAIN.