The bi-annual flood blame game

It's the question on everybody's lips, if it isn't the fault of homosexuals, then who is to blame for the floods??

Is it God?
No, because the guy probably doesn't exist. Even if he did, he's probably got better things to think about. Like completing Angry Birds.

How about Eric Pickles?
He wasn't exactly known for being into rain dances, or indeed any dancing at all, so no.

What about immigrants/foreigners?
No, the Daily Mail fucking wish they did though. Otherwise their sorry paper wouldn't exist.

Are you sure it isn't the gays?
I obviously must've missed the bit where Stephen Fry, Graham Norton, Alan Carr, Louis Spence, and Clare Balding all joined forces to create an unfavourable weather front.

After much pondering, I think I have the answer. I know what is to blame for flooding.

RAIN.

Louboutins - more important than staying alive.

The cheapest pair of Louboutins are £400, and there are only 52 weeks in a year. Therefore it'll take you about 7-8 years to save up for a pair, and that isn't including the inflation that'll inevitably happen. 

It's much quicker to steal them, Rosie.

How to get your own haunted photos

As it's Halloween, it's only right that we have a spooky-themed article to frighten us to buggery.

Hanging around in graveyards is just soooo 90's now, you have to get in on the action, as these brave heroes did:

If you're unable to purchase your own haunted B&B, there's another way you can authentically make your house haunted for the purpose of selling pics to the press. Here are my top tips:

1. Smudge your camera lens with your non-clean fingers.

2. Snap away.

3. Sell your ghostly snaps to The Sun, or any other newspaper that is gullible. Bask in the glory of your massively interesting life.

32 pages of rainforest, put into bloody good use

Step 1) Heat the fruit with an equal weight of sugar in a saucepan for ages, until jam-like.

Step 2) Pour into a jam jar.

PAGE 3 - LOOKING A BIT WOOF

When you think of page 3 in newspapers, you automatically associate it with topless models. Carli, 21, from Romford will usually give her opinion on a light hearted subject she is absolutely qualified to discuss, such as which taxation methods the Greeks should use to avoid further economic ruin. Then she follows it up with a quote from Dante's Inferno or similar.

Even if you're not reading the faux-feminist fodder of The Sun or The Star (liberating women's bodies for the eyes of sex-hungry men with single braincells? One of Germaine Greer's less celebrated theories), 'family friendly' tabloids such as The Mirror or The Daily Fail usually possess a shot of a famous lady clothed, but only barely so, and sometimes doing silly things while on holiday. For example; Rihanna in a bikini, using the space where Chris Brown's brain should be as a hash pipe/bong. That sort of thing.

Imagine my surprise when Mr SHOTP brought home a copy of The Metro; so how have they dealt with the page 3 issue?:

It's only a freaking dog balancing shit on its head!!

Look, he can do a can of Pringles! A whole plate!! A frigging glass of water!!! TWO BLOODY ORANGES!!

I hear you sceptics mumbling: "As if people are impressed with this shit nowadays... next thing we'll know, a bloody dog will end up winning Britain's Got Talent! Ridic... OH. FUCK."

The end of a Jolie nice era

Picture the scene: you're a local newspaper reporter and it's been a slow news day. Your editor is on your back to come up with something to fill that space on page 14 but there's just nothing at all, it is Teesside afterall. You're started to get rather stressed.

Hold on! Man rang in to say he has Angelina Jolie in his bedroom?! Right, scrap the 'Cat saved from tree' story on the front page, this HAS got to go in!

Oh. Shit.

A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her. 

Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together. The 35-year-old bought the cut-out from a memorabilia shop in Redcar at the height of the hit film’s success and Angelina, aka Lara, was an instant hit with his mates. 

But after meeting his new wife Julie, 43, a couple of years later, and moving into her Billingham home, it was not long before it became clear that Angelina had out-stayed her welcome. 

Michael said: “We have had Angelina in the bedroom at some stages and Julie said it was creeping her out. Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.” 

Julie, a mum of seven children between the ages of 25 and 14, relegated Angelina to the loft for the last two years. “I’m not jealous,” she said, but added: “To be honest it’s something that you don’t want looking at you.” 

But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina. 

Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” 


Have you tried flogging it to Brad Pitt, mate? I hear he would LOVE to have a mute Angelina Jolie in his house that doesn't nag him to buy more children.